Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
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She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos