I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.