Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
