I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.
Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?
Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
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