no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
