Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
