I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
