oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.