yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
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he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
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I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Randomize
