I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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