in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
