You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.