Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
These 25 People Had Very Inappropriate Sexual Relations(hips)
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick