come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.