his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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