perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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