Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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