And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
