I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
