So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
