You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
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New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
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There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Please don't give away my fajitas
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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