My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Randomize
