My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
