your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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