I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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