happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
