I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Are my feet made of real feet?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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