god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
