I feel like I'm in dance class right now
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
