remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Randomize
