I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
