After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
