dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
