sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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