Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
