it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
