I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
