John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
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