I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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