You're my little dorito
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
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Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
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I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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