I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize