hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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