You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
