i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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