I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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