Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
