i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
