I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
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I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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