Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
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