my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you didnt know i had herpes?
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
