remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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