Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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