That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
