yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
