I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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