The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Randomize
