I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
