Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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