Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
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He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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