Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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