I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
