You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
