ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Randomize
