She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
